Memos from Coulson

All agents are to be advised that any equipment which may have gained sentience through any possible means is to be quarantined immediately. Form H-5 does not cover this occurrence and should not be used.Report any sentient equipment to your superior officer without hesitation. Until verification either way can be made, any suspected sentient equipment is to be treated as a visiting guest of this planet, given comfortable accommodations within the limits of quarantine. We don’t want another inter-dimensional incident on our hands, even if the last one did manage to avoid war.

All agents are to be advised that any equipment which may have gained sentience through any possible means is to be quarantined immediately. Form H-5 does not cover this occurrence and should not be used.

Report any sentient equipment to your superior officer without hesitation.

Until verification either way can be made, any suspected sentient equipment is to be treated as a visiting guest of this planet, given comfortable accommodations within the limits of quarantine. We don’t want another inter-dimensional incident on our hands, even if the last one did manage to avoid war.

Please remember that all parcels, packages, and any other deliveries need to be handled through security prior to being opened. We still have a trickster god angry at us, and there are even worse things to find in an envelope than Anthrax.

Please remember that all parcels, packages, and any other deliveries need to be handled through security prior to being opened. We still have a trickster god angry at us, and there are even worse things to find in an envelope than Anthrax.

batwenchtheonly Asked

QuestionHave we gone on holiday (finally) sir? You have been most quiet. Answer

I’m afraid I’ve been temporarily reassigned. This is a very busy time of year for Svalbard, and unfortunately, this detail couldn’t be avoided. I’ll be coming back to my usual post some time within the next week. This is more than can be said for most people who get transferred to Svalbard.

shieldrecruitsurvivaltips:

S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruit Survival Tip #377:
Agent Coulson’s middle name is not ‘Soul Crusher’. Don’t imply that it is.

[Submitted anonymously]

pantheraj Asked

QuestionSir? The next time Agent McHenry starts screaming, permission to hold him facedown on his pillow for the tranquillizing effect? It helps -me- feel calmer. Answer

Not until you’ve completed the training sessions. This particular lesson will be covered the same week as other household weapons.

[It is worthy of note that there have officially been no intentional casualties during the training sessions under my lead. Any stories you may hear about them have been greatly exaggerated or fabrications. As always, records of this nature are openly available to anyone with a security clearance of a level two or above.The ability to use any household item as a weapon is one we cover during week four. Due to popular demand, flour will be included as part of the week’s lessons. Once again, the circumstances of the origins of this rumour are openly available to anyone with a security clearance level two or above.All new recruits must complete the training sessions to reach security clearance level two.]

[It is worthy of note that there have officially been no intentional casualties during the training sessions under my lead. Any stories you may hear about them have been greatly exaggerated or fabrications. As always, records of this nature are openly available to anyone with a security clearance of a level two or above.

The ability to use any household item as a weapon is one we cover during week four. Due to popular demand, flour will be included as part of the week’s lessons. Once again, the circumstances of the origins of this rumour are openly available to anyone with a security clearance level two or above.

All new recruits must complete the training sessions to reach security clearance level two.]

upstairsinmysocks Asked

QuestionSir, what's your favorite episode of Supernanny? Answer

I think that would be the one with the deaf parents. There’s just something about the way people will try to push their limits when they think no-one can hear what they’re getting up to. In a way, I can almost relate.

[Effective immediately, we will be implementing a policy of ‘You break it, you buy it’ regarding household appliances.This will not be optional. While we understand that accidents do happen, there comes a point when it becomes difficult to believe that repeatedly microwaving cell phones and computer components to be accidental.It is also worthy of note that microwaves, toasters, and coffee makers will not get the job done any faster if they become ‘super-powered.’ Please do not modify, enhance, or electrocute any devices without direct, explicit orders to do so. Failure to comply will not be tolerated.]

[Effective immediately, we will be implementing a policy of ‘You break it, you buy it’ regarding household appliances.

This will not be optional. While we understand that accidents do happen, there comes a point when it becomes difficult to believe that repeatedly microwaving cell phones and computer components to be accidental.

It is also worthy of note that microwaves, toasters, and coffee makers will not get the job done any faster if they become ‘super-powered.’ Please do not modify, enhance, or electrocute any devices without direct, explicit orders to do so. Failure to comply will not be tolerated.]

Anonymous Asked

QuestionHello sir and/or madam, might I interest you in a majestic moonicorn? This elusive sub-species of unicorn lives only on the moon! A moonicorn license can be yours! All that is required of you is a DNA sample and that you complete these forty-seven forms! Become a licensed moonicorn rider today! Answer

All requests and enquiries of this nature should be directed to the Mythology Department on level 9¾. Be sure to fill out form A-51 and submit it to Agent Smith. Thank you.

Slightly ooc note:

I’ll put this on the front page of the blog as well, just in case anyone’s curious. I do have all your asks, and am not neglecting them. Unless I am, but that means Tumblr just never gave them to me. In which case, I apologise.

The ideas from the memos largely come from your relogs and asks. I get up in the morning, see what people are saying on the previous posts, and write up that day’s memo in pseudo-response to one or more of the reblogs, and post it.

For asks, it’s becoming a bit different. When I can, I’ll make them rebloggable with a proper memo attached. If I can’t come up with a memo for it, or the ask itself doesn’t really require one, I’ll put it through as a proper ask reply. Unless you guys want all of them rebloggable, and then I’ll do it that way.

I’m also trying not to spam everyone, so now I’m going to go make breakfast and leave you to Tumblr.